Travel Memory

Setiap perjalanan pasti memiliki kenangan. Terutama kenangan yang membuatmu tangguh dan kuat..

The rain tears down again. Today is like another day I’ve been waiting for. The day when the rain tears for calmly my life. The sound, the coldness, make me feel so calm, sit in the field. Feel comfort here, based on smooth-wood and straw in the up. I love this atmosphere, by a cup of hot tea. Gimme a chance to build my own peace. Gimme much time to jump back on my mind.

The Rain always remembering me for old-travel memory. The best travel I had in my life that I couldn’t forget in the rest of my life. In that evening, definitely the memory showed up and drowned me inside. “What’s going on?”, I think. After long time I’d been mind that my travel was wrong, but finally today I guess....

***

Last grade always be heavy time for student. The time that showed the way I was fighting for, graduation. Five years ago, in Jayakarta University, a one silent-man was preparing for this one. This awkward man was talkless people. He never liked to interact too much. He just wanted to be talkless man. He was me.

I wasn’t friendly man, at least because I didn’t talk much. I liked to be alone and always. Probably it was my characteristic : talkless, awkward, and unfriendly. But don’t think I didn’t have. I had. But, not too much. I thought, I was ordinary human and I was lower level of the life. I could do nothing. Mostly I was. So long I’d been mind of that, and it was truly killed me inside.

I was still remembered, when my classmate told me, “ You don’t think you can have best in your life. You deserve nothing.” And the last thing I knew, I just left that people. How I did like a damned looser. I was too weak. I didn’t deserve for what I wanted to be. They were true that I was.

***

My clock pointed to 08.00 AM. I had to attend my research-class. It was part of finished my thesis. I was slowly walking in the corridor A –Place where research-class belong-when I was frozen in there. Someone throughed by my side. I couldn’t move.

She was Lily.

“Hei, Ardhi! there you are. I’ve been looking for you, are you okay?”,Ryan –My best friend- take his hand in my shoulder. That was surprising me. I realized from my silentness. “Oh, err, I’m okay. Leave me alone now, I’ll be in the class soon.” I asked to Ryan. He left.

My eyes couldn’t got off by her, the last grade student like me. This moment wasn’t the first saw. I’d ever seen that calm face. I’d been hiding my admiration so long. I did realize, when I first met with her, I felt something. But, really I didn’t know what exactly feeling.

That was feeling different. I could feel my loneliness gone piece by piece. I felt warm inside. His existence just like magic me. I wasn’t feel alone anymore. Just caused look at her. What was that supposed to be ? I tried to find, but I failed. I just started to find this over and over again.

Lily was passing the corridor when I saw her. I couldn’t believe this, I met her again! I knew no doubt. I always remembered her face. I just smiled. Besides, it was one of things I was difficult to do.

“H..ha...” I said unfluently when she passed by my side.

Damned. I never capabled to finish the words to her. Fortunetaley, she didn’t hear me. It felt freak, really. Never had moments to talk to her. Since first met. But, yeah, let it happened. I was nobody.

Lily was a woman with simpliness that impressed me so deeply. My feeling told so. She had a pretty calm face that just smile and admiration left to me when I saw her. That calmness broke my hard-wall soul and scraping it slowly. I met her in bookstore when she collided me unincidentally and dropped the book I was handing.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to...”

I stucked at there. I just smiled. In my silentness. That face, I didn’t know why, shooted me in the deep inside, aiming my darkness. Just like there was a light through myself.

“ I’m on my hurry way to get here. Raining outside. But wait..... that shirt... are you Jayakarta University’s student?”

“yes...”

“Okey, my name is Lily, how about you? I’m student at there too..”

Should I answered her? I was afraid I had no idea to say.

“I’m... Ardhi..”

“Good name, Ardhi! Eh, I think I should go now! the rain is stopping, better go before it tears down again. See you at University!”

That moment was the only one I had. Happened in my sixth-month second grade. Since that, My new feeling raised. It was so different than I’d ever felt before. It hurted me so. That spreaded happiness in my darkness side of the heart. It tried to break and clear the hard-wall of my soul.

***

Next day, I met Lily again. I’d no any bravery to say hello. I absolutely knew and realized that I didn’t deserve for her. I always minded of it. I was supposed to be ordinary. Much better people more deserved. And then, I went to the libabry to calm my feeling. I need to rest of this. I had a dream and I wanted to focus on this. I still looked for better steps in my life to success. I didn’t want my feeling of Lily destroyed this all. This why I started my travel five years ago. Whatever it took, being underestimated or anything bad, I was ready.

This was why I pesimistic on her. Maybe I should say something I was giving up on Lily.

Ryan asked me to get in Culture-Fest Jayakarta. I love culture and Ryan know that. This event was attended again after 7 years absenced. Even i was silent-man and had no much friends, that’s didn’t suppose I had no interest of something. I definitely had in culture, art, writing, and reading. All of that could gimme more, more, more, calmness I needed.

Art always interested me. Art had much unique inside of the creation. Unique had differences and power inside. But Unique that’s not clearly different. As long as still have a strong meaning, that’s unique.

Morning moved to afternoon, I got my eyes of one unexpectabled view: Lily. She attended the event. I was feel happy more. But, in fact, I just looked at her. As far as I could do. My confidence was teared sheet by sheet till nothing left to me.

At the time, I remembered what Ryan adviced me in moment he found me sat alone in the near Guild River a years ago. “don’t you ever think yourself is more lower than people has in their life. Where you come from is still be the place you comeback. All you need is find happiness. If you really love her, go get her, whatever it takes.”

Ryan was true.

I thought I loved her.

***

4 months passed, I was ready to think fresh again. All I needed to realize my dream was impressly finished. I could control my feeling. I got chances to build my future. My graduation.

And the days I passed next, went great for me. I locked down all the memories. Even Lily still surrounding my side, I finally got what I’d been dreaming.

I graduated.

My dream came true.

The travel ended.

I had no idea what I had to take. I guess, Lily had closed her heart for someone like me. Like what Ryan told, Lily answered his question about her life.

”My parents wants me to be with deserve man. But, I still choose. But, I don’t know what to say. Best option for me is saying yes with my parents. I feel it doesn’t matter. I believe there is a man who love me so.”

Yeah, like I expected. I really had to give up on her. Forever.

Day to day, month to month had passed, and I heard Lily would continued her lesson in Paris. That was killing me inside. Just like the day I met her, the moment I’d, were blown away. The hope was gone forever. I’d lost who I was and I couldn’t understand why my heart was broken. Yeah, I chose let her gone. I couldn’t fight for you else. I never wondered, I never curious, I never sad, I never felt anything because I had choosen this.

“are you sure just let her go?”

“Yes... I think....I...yes”

***

Present time-

I’m still sitting in the field house, look at the garden and the sky. My hot tea is still there. When the rain stops, actually I’m back into my present world from my memory. And then, I’m thought one thing,  “why everyone wants their past coming back? I never think I wants it back.”

For me, my past isn’t something I wish about to be here again. The past is something I will learn about my life. The past isn’t something I have to regret and I never ask my past coming back because.....

“Ardhi, go home now..” , tell a soft-sound in front of me.

“Oh, you......”, I answered into that sound.

“Here I bring you an umbrella.... our kids has woke up and waiting you for lunch..” tell the soft-sound.

“ Thank you, Lily... Let’s go home now..”

I go home throughing the rain. Me and Lily. I said, I don’t need my past back. That’s enough to teach me everything. My heart, my feeling, and my destiny, noone knows. I have everything now. I have someone that I love forever my life. It’s enough to make me feel happy. Forever after.

END.

Penulis : M.A.R